comes with some other beginnings end"
Our marriage of 11 years has drawn to an end. It's the most heart wrenching thing I've ever experienced and I know that without my beautiful children I would have given in to depression and just lost myself over the last few months.
I know that God has a plan and He know's what's in store for us, but I struggle with how different my life looks than I had envisioned. My kiddos are taking it all in stride of course. The baby is the one that struggles the most. Me?....well....if I'm not crying my eyes out, then I feel this sense of numbness that I can't explain. I'm stuck in a lease that I cannot afford, with a job that I absolutely adore, but doesn't pay me enough money and offers me no paid time off in the case of this week when my children have so lovingly passed a stomach bug around between them.
I have no idea how ends are going to meet. The gap seems too huge to bridge, but in my experience, God wants things to look impossible so that He can show His power and grace. I'm clinging to that with the last little thread that I'm hanging on by right now.
I haven't written in so many years and the words flow freely from me now. I'm pouring out my pain in verse. Sometimes it feels like God is punishing me for making bad decisions, but then sometimes I think I initially make the bad decisions to punish myself....seems like I need some serious therapy. LOL.
My HR company actually offers therapy for free to employees and their children, so I'm going to get involved in that. My life has been a series of the most unlikely events you can imagine. I want a different life for my kids. I want them to know God's love and grace, and I want them to live in the knowledge of their salvation, not in the constant fear of it's loss. Even now as I'm typing this I can hear one of my boys talking in his sleep. Their innocence and brilliance takes my breath away every day. Their potential is incredible and I get to be their vaulting board! What an exciting privilege and challenge to raise these children to follow God and to make this world a better place.
I don't know if anyone out there still even looks at my blog. I haven't posted in so very long, but if you do and you're reading this, please add my family to your prayer list. I'll be sharing my writing. I don't want to say that I'll post every day, or even every week. It seems like anytime I make a commitment like that I fall short because of life getting in the way. I'm just going to say that any time I can get on and post, I will. And that I thank you for reading and for your prayers in advance.
"To Fall Asleep"
It seems like every 15 years
My world just disassembles
And showered with my deepest tears
No longer self-resembles
Awakened in a different world
With shreds of past around me
There's nothing of the life I made
And terror tries to drown me.
I reach to pick the pieces up
Of all I've loved and lost
But every speck is glued down tight
And all the wires are crossed
I close my eyes and draw a breath
And listen to my heartbeat
Just grasping at my signs of life
...the will to move my own feet
It comes down to that moment
when I have to make the leap
Deciding that I want to live
Or just to fall asleep.
"It Wasn't Mine"
There's this quiet numb confusion
and it sits and festers there
in that ball of absolution
underneath my pillow hair
Where my dreams were formed and crumbled
where my hopes have decomposed
where I hide my deepest sorrows
where my insurrection grows
I am cold and hot in tandem
I'm surrounded but alone
I have suffered through the growing pains
then found I haven't grown.
My intention was the distance
yet somehow I'm on a track
Making circle after circle
even when I've doubled back
Here I am at the beginning
when I've reached the finish line
I ran till my race was over
then found out it wasn't mine.
Ahhhh, the serenity
18 hours ago